As I write I’m watching the meltdown of a squirrel. He (I’m assuming male) is perched on the base of the wire which holds our bird feeder, making noises and tensing his body angrily. He’s chattering loudly and then squawking so intensely that his tail shoots straight up into the morning sky. I don’t speak squirrel, but I’m pretty sure he’s completely frustrated. Since we added a witch hat shaped cone over our feeder, he can’t rappel down the wire anymore and drop down to feast on seeds. Every time he tries, the cone dumps him to the ground.

I must admit I get great pleasure watching him fail, but I also identify with his emotional outbursts. I’ve felt the futility of trying over and over again, yet falling off the cone of life onto the ground. My pattern is to sit in the pain of another foiled attempt, but then inevitably to climb the tree, rappel the wire and convince myself maybe I can grab the edge as I fall and grab a few seeds.

The squirrel may not be ready, but I am. I give up.

Pick an area. Family relationships, friendships, managing possessions, health, time, etc. I’ve come up short in all.

This morning I’ve come to the end of myself. Like my squirrel friend, I’ve frustrated myself trying to pattern my life after the Jesus I read about in the Bible.

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus calls us to be perfect as our Father in heaven is perfect,[1] to love our enemies[2] and to keep our thoughts and words pure. These high standards are meant to bring us to surrender and dependence.

He wants me to give up more and more of me so  I can depend more and more on Him. As John the Baptist said, “He must increase and I must decrease.” John 3:30

Consider Jesus’ words, spoken the night before His crucifixion, “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”  John 15:5

Last night, I felt more desperate than ever. However, in the midst of my agony, I wasn’t hopeless. I knew God was near. As I called out,  He comforted me with His life.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. II Corinthians 1:3-5

The pain is still very real, but He’s opened up space for His Living Waters of delight to flow in my soul.

“I” give up. “I” surrender and choose to depend upon Christ who indwells me by His Holy Spirit. I’m Not always sure how His life is to be released in me, but I’m asking Him to teach me how  to abide in Him moment by moment and how to  love each person He brings my way.

Prayer: Lord Jesus, last night I felt such agony with my life situations, but you comforted me with your presence.

In my pain, you brought hope and light. You gave me clarity and even joy. My deep guttural cries did not go unnoticed and unattended. You’re at work. You won’t relent. You won’t give up until you have all of me.

I’ve wanted freedom and have given you my heart, but I didn’t realize my surrender would require such deep surgery.

You do amazing work in my pain.

I give you permission to go deeper still.

[1] Matthew 5:48

[2] Matthew 5:43-44