Several years ago, one of my sons and I were tending a burn pile down by the barn. As we sat in camping chairs, water hose ready, watching the dried limbs and brush blaze, he had something to tell me that was very hard to hear.
As my eyes followed a floating ash dancing upward in the billows of smoke, he said, Dad, growing up I felt as if you cared more about the relationship than you did about me.
He explained that he knew I loved him, but he could tell I cared a lot about being viewed as a successful father.
His words pierced my heart. I knew what he was saying was true. Fear of failure as a (son, husband, father, provider, brother, friend, employee, employer, etc.) has long tormented my soul. And I’ve wrongly used the opinion of others to assess my success.
Thus, my love, though as genuine as I knew how to give it, was not entirely pure. All along, even unknowingly, I was expecting a positive reaction to measure my success.
This hard, but valuable conversation set me on a journey to greater freedom and Joy.
Filled with the Father’s Love
Turning to scripture for answers, I read:
Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God, gets up from supper, and lays aside His garments; and taking a towel, He girded Himself. Then He pours water into the basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded (John 13:3-5).
Jesus’ oneness with His Father gave Him the ability to live on a higher plain. Though Judas and Peter would soon betray and deny Him, he washed their feet anyway.
He loved them regardless of how they treated Him.
Jesus knew His Father’s love for Him, established before the world began.
Father, I desire that they also, whom You have given Me, be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory which You have given Me, for You loved Me before the foundation of the world (John 17:24).
He had no need of to be validated by people. He knew the human heart and didn’t trust people to receive any identity from them.
Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. 24 But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew all about people. 25 No one needed to tell him about human nature, for he knew what was in each person’s heart (John 2:23-25 NLT).
Filled with His Father’s love, Jesus could love furiously, expecting nothing in return.
Lord may this be me!
You Can’t Define my Value
A counselor once told my wife and me that receiving our value from others is like giving an empty box to someone else and asking them to tell you who you are and what value you have. I remember, at the time, realizing I was giving my boss that power. 😑
This is not good.
If someone sent me to an ant colony to rescue the queen from an anteater and return after completing the job, would I really care about the ants’ opinions of me during my stay?
No. My citizenship is not in the ant colony.
Being raised up with Christ [1], my citizenship is now in heaven [2], even as I continue my journey home.
Living out my True Identity
How does Jesus and His love for me free me from needing to win approval from people?
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love (John 15:9 NIV).
Jesus commands me to remain in His love, a love that surpasses my understanding.
According to scripture, I’ve done nothing to be placed in Christ and His love. [3]
My part is to stay where God has placed me.
But how? How do I remain in the love of Jesus, which frees me from needing the love and approval of others?
As I read further, I get my answer.
If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you (John 15:10-12 NIV).
Of all the commands mentioned in the Bible, Jesus settled in on one which summarizes them all. Our charge from Jesus is to love others as He has loved us.
We get a peak of this love in His washing of disciples’ feet, but this pales in what He did hours later. Jesus died on the cross in my stead to satisfy God’s wrath and to give me His righteousness.
This is the quality of love I’m to emulate. But this type of loving can only be achieved by His Spirit flowing through me.
If I focus on His incomparable love for me, rather than expecting a response from others, He allows me to travel in an eternal plain which frees me from needing anything from others.
Loving others as He’s loved me, allows me to remain in the flow of His love, and experience His complete Joy no matter what I experience on earth.
This unleashes me to love freely. No strings attached.
Prayer
Lord, You know I still struggle with judging my success by my perceived reaction from others. Thank You that You don’t give up on me in this regard. You want me free.
You are answering my prayers, showing me how silly it is to look to people for my worth.
In You, I’m completely loved, completely forgiven, completely accomplished. [4] I lack nothing. Even if every person in the world despised me, I’m okay because You love me. 😁
Reflections
Dear reader. Perhaps you struggle with this along with me.
We’re loved by the Creator of the universe with an unimaginable love which knows no bounds. He’s invited us to swim in His great love.
Imagine His love being like an ocean, which is beyond measure in all directions. [5]
His love is deeper than any worldly pain.
His love fills us with complete Joy.
Have you, like me, handed your value box to someone else to tell you your worth?
We hand our value box to no one but the One who loved us and gave Himself up to set us free.
I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me (Galatians 2:20).
The only person whose opinion counts looks at me and finds me more valuable than all the jewels in the world – Tim Keller
[1] Ephesians 2:6
[2] Ephesians 2:19
[3] I Corinthians 1:30
[4] Colossians 2:9-10
[5] Ephesians 3:16-19
Note: Unless otherwise noted, all referenced Scripture is from the NASB 1995 Version of the Bible.
Other posts in our Everlasting Way Series:
Learning How to Overcome Emotional Numbness
Are we More Like Batman or Spider-Man
Transforming Awareness: The Power of God’s Love
Celebrating with Joy – In Memory of a Friend
Joy in the Journey is about the gladness of God’s nearness in the midst of life’s adventures.
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Nonfiction books by the Author:
This collection of devotionals chronicles a heartfelt journey from a life of striving and self-reliance to one of growing surrender and trust in God.
Through personal stories of family struggles, cancer, grief, and unexpected trials, the devotions show that true, unshakeable joy comes not from perfect circumstances, but from the constant, loving presence of Jesus Christ.
It’s an invitation to learn to let go of our burdens and find growing peace in God’s greater story.
Because joy is rooted in God and is eternal, it doesn’t ebb and flow with the waves of circumstances. In fact, as we grow in our understanding of joy, we can even experience it more acutely when life is hard. Why? Because God uses trials to conform us into the image of Christ. With this awareness, which gives us glimpses of God’s greater purposes, we rejoice because of His masterful work to free us from needing anything but Him.
For these reasons, and many others, joy in the Lord is commanded in scripture. It’s not just a good idea, it’s vital to our journey as human beings. Rhythms of Joy
Novels by the Author:
What happens when a professor figures out how to send messages to his younger self to try and avoid the suicide of his best friend? Did he change more than he bargained for? Beyond Time
By finding two undelivered letters in an old shack deep in the woods, Cassie and Daniel unknowingly set off a series of events which uncovers a plot to wipe out a whole family. Hope Remains
Please Check out the Cola City Podcast . Discussions that impact the vision of reaching every man, woman, and child in a city.