For in him all the fullness of deity dwells in bodily form, and in him you have been made complete, and he is the head over all rule and authority (Colossians 2:9-10 NASB)
Matters of the Heart
Funny how eternal truths seem solid one moment, but slip away the next. This happened to me the other day concerning my value in Christ. In my mind, the matter was settled, but my feelings told me otherwise. In my journey with Jesus, as I seek to surrender more and more of my heart to Him, light is being shed on lies deep within. I may know God’s truth about myself mentally, but emotionally, under layers of stuffed feelings, fortified falsehoods need to be destroyed.
God is in the business of exposing and rooting out lies we’re believing and agreeing with. When clarity comes, we can dis-agree with cruel, irrational thoughts about ourselves and agree with what God says about us. This process is hard, but yields the joyous freedom God desires for each of us.
Shaky Ground
A few days ago, without warning, the ground of my emotional wellbeing crumbled beneath me. I felt like an orc in the last battle of Return of the King, when great fissures opened and the earth swallowed them up. It took me completely by surprise. Outwardly, I had a seemingly innocent conversations. But something said, set off a flood of confusing, negative emotions. I felt real discouraged, and I wasn’t really sure why.
Fortunately, I had some free time right after it happened. This allowed me to grab my journal and try and process my feelings. I made my way to one of my favorite get-away spots in the woods beyond our property. The place I had in mind was remote enough to insure an extended time of solitude.
I’m learning not to brush negative feelings aside. They’re like warning lights on the dash board indicating something needs attention under the hood.
I sat down against a tree overlooking a small waterfall.
Lord, please help me understand what I’m feeling.
Wading Through Feelings
Understanding deep emotions, especially negative ones, is something I’m learning how to do. At an early age, I wasn’t sure what to do with feelings concerning my parent’s divorce, so I didn’t deal with them very well. I processed what I could and moved on best I knew how. This didn’t leave me very emotionally healthy. But God is a Healer. He wants me whole. He’s showing me that feelings shouldn’t be ignored. If I understand them, and deal with the negative ones, I can experience the freedom God wants for me.
I look up and see a deer staring at me from across the creek. It can’t figure out what I am. I wonder if it thinks I’m a funny looking bush. I remain motinless. After a while, it wanders deeper into the woods.
Lord, I feel like a failure. I jot down in my journal why I feel like a failure in a specific area.
Logically, I know failing and being a failure is not the same thing, but my feelings scream otherwise. Failing is a part of the journey of life for all of us. It’s disappointing, but it doesn’t make me a failure. I reason with myself.
What is it Lord? Why do I feel like a failure?
I wrote: Value – tossed aside like garbage.
These are raw feelings I’d never expressed. Clarity comes. When I fail, it makes me feel worthless, good for nothing, rejected.
Wow. I’m not cutting myself much of a break. Why Lord?
Mixed up Value System (From my journal)
Robby. You’ve believed your value as a person is inseparably intertwined with what you do. When you fail, you don’t see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. You’re afraid it means you’re a failure,
Yes Lord. I see it. Failing does feels like I’m a failure, worthless, tossed aside. But I can’t be perfect can I?
You don’t have to be. I’ve done it all. Before you took a breath, I loved you enough to die for you and adopt you as my son.[1] My love for you is out of this world, sourced in eternity, unaffected by anything in time or space.[2] You can’t change how I feel about you. You can never be worthless because I indwell you.[3] I created you in my Son Jesus and saved you by my grace for good works, but they were never the measure of your worth.[4]
Prayer
Lord, I see it much clearer now. You’ve taken me deep to show me how messed up my value system has been. Wow. I didn’t realize it, but failing has caused me to fear rejection. How messed up is that? But my feelings revealed my true beliefs which you want to expose. You desire to slather your love and grace upon every deep wound. Thank you so much for not giving up on me.
You care so much for my freedom and joy. You won’t relent until every lie has been exposed and swallowed up by your Truth.
Please continue to uncover deep lies I’m agreeing with that I might dis-agree with them and stand on Your truth. Amen.
Walking in the Joy of Loving without Fear of Failure
I’m realizing God wants to take me deeper into these feelings of rejection when I fail and free my heart even more.
However, understanding my performance never affects my value, and allowing God’s love for me to determine who I am, is already bringing joy and freedom.
I’m learning to rest in what God’s done for me and not fear failure. This frees me to love the people God places in my path.
Laying aside concerns for how I’m performing brings lightness. Since the matter of my true value has been settled forever, a childlike wonder and joy is emerging in the moments of my day.
[1] Ephesians 1:5-6
[2] Jeremiah 31:3
[3] Galatians 2:20
[4] Ephesians 2:8-10
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