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My place of solitude

True Value

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For in him all the fullness of deity dwells in bodily form, and in him you have been made complete, and he is the head over all rule and authority (Colossians 2:9-10 NASB)

Matters of the Heart

Funny how eternal truths seem solid one moment, but slip away the next. This happened to me the other day concerning my value in Christ. In my mind, the matter was settled, but my feelings told me otherwise. In my journey with Jesus, as I seek to surrender more and more of my heart to Him, light is being shed on lies deep within. I may know God’s truth about myself mentally, but emotionally, under layers of stuffed feelings, fortified falsehoods need to be destroyed.

God is in the business of exposing and rooting out lies we’re believing and agreeing with. When clarity comes, we can dis-agree with cruel, irrational thoughts about ourselves and agree with what God says about us. This process is hard, but yields the joyous freedom God desires for each of us.

Shaky Ground

A few days ago, without warning, the ground of my emotional wellbeing crumbled beneath me. I felt like an orc in the last battle of Return of the King, when great fissures opened and the earth swallowed them up. It took me completely by surprise. Outwardly, I had a seemingly innocent conversations. But something said, set off a flood of confusing, negative emotions. I felt real discouraged, and I wasn’t really sure why.

Fortunately, I had some free time right after it happened. This allowed me to grab my journal and try and process my feelings. I made my way to one of my favorite get-away spots in the woods beyond our property. The place I had in mind was remote enough to insure an extended time of solitude.

I’m learning not to brush negative feelings aside. They’re like warning lights on the dash board indicating something needs attention under the hood.

I sat down against a tree overlooking a small waterfall.

Lord, please help me understand what I’m feeling.

Wading Through Feelings

Understanding deep emotions, especially negative ones, is something I’m learning how to do. At an early age, I wasn’t sure what to do with feelings concerning my parent’s divorce, so I didn’t deal with them very well. I processed what I could and moved on best I knew how. This didn’t leave me very emotionally healthy. But God is a Healer. He wants me whole. He’s showing me that feelings shouldn’t be ignored. If I understand them, and deal with the negative ones, I can experience the freedom God wants for me.

I look up and see a deer staring at me from across the creek. It can’t figure out what I am. I wonder if it thinks I’m a funny looking bush. I remain motinless. After a while, it wanders deeper into the woods.

Lord, I feel like a failure. I jot down in my journal why I feel like a failure in a specific area.

Logically, I know failing and being a failure is not the same thing, but my feelings scream otherwise. Failing is a part of the journey of life for all of us. It’s disappointing, but it doesn’t make me a failure. I reason with myself.

What is it Lord? Why do I feel like a failure?

I wrote:  Value – tossed aside like garbage.

These are raw feelings I’d never expressed. Clarity comes. When I fail, it makes me feel worthless, good for nothing, rejected.

Wow. I’m not cutting myself much of a break. Why Lord?

Mixed up Value System (From my journal)

Robby. You’ve believed your value as a person is inseparably intertwined with what you do. When you fail, you don’t see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. You’re afraid it means you’re a failure,

Yes Lord. I see it. Failing does feels like I’m a failure, worthless, tossed aside. But I can’t be perfect can I?

You don’t have to be. I’ve done it all. Before you took a breath, I loved you enough to die for you and adopt you as my son.[1] My love for you is out of this world, sourced in eternity, unaffected by anything in time or space.[2] You can’t change how I feel about you. You can never be worthless because I indwell you.[3] I created you in my Son Jesus and saved you by my grace for good works, but they were never the measure of your worth.[4]

Prayer

Lord, I see it much clearer now. You’ve taken me deep to show me how messed up my value system has been. Wow. I didn’t realize it, but failing has caused me to fear rejection. How messed up is that? But my feelings revealed my true beliefs which you want to expose. You desire to slather your love and grace upon every deep wound. Thank you so much for not giving up on me.

You care so much for my freedom and joy. You won’t relent until every lie has been exposed and swallowed up by your Truth.

Please continue to uncover deep lies I’m agreeing with that I might dis-agree with them and stand on Your truth. Amen. 

Walking in the Joy of Loving without Fear of Failure

I’m realizing  God wants to take me deeper into these feelings of rejection when I fail and free my heart even more.

However, understanding  my performance never affects my value,  and allowing God’s love for me to determine who I am,  is already bringing  joy and freedom.

I’m learning to rest in what God’s done for me and not fear failure. This frees me to love the people God places in my path.

Laying aside concerns for how I’m performing brings lightness. Since the matter of my true value  has been settled forever, a childlike wonder and joy is emerging in the moments of my day.

[1] Ephesians 1:5-6

[2] Jeremiah 31:3

[3] Galatians 2:20

[4] Ephesians 2:8-10

Novels by the Author:

Beyond Time

Hope Remains

Unrelenting

Until the Darkness Fades

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Lord, Take this Cup

Jesus, in your humanity, You prayed that the cup of suffering might be taken away. You asked for the support of trusted brothers. You earnestly prayed until blood dropped from Your pores. You longed for Your Father’s purposes to be accomplished in a different way. But You always submitted to God’s will in spite of how it affected you.

“Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done (Luke 22:42 NASB).”

Lord, there are situations in our lives which are very hard. Please teach us how to keep earnestly praying for Your love and healing touch to break through. Yet, like You demonstrated in the Garden of Gethsemane, teach us to trust Father God in spite of what’s going on around us.

Giants in the Land

Lord, there are giants in the land. And unlike Goliath, these giants don’t seem to be going away any time soon. People we love are sick. Relationships are broken. Loved ones don’t know Your love and are destined to an eternity without You. Folks are lonely, addicted, jobless and homeless. When we see these troubles we can easily become discouraged.

Yet, you tell us to expect troubles and to remain courageous.

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world (John 16:33 NIV).”

Knowing this, and realizing Your greater purposes, we keep asking for Your light to shine in the darkness, around us and in us.

Until the Darkness Fades 

My daughter is a talented musician and song writer. In the lyrics of a song she recently wrote  – “until the darkness fades.”

It occurs to me that when darkness fades, light has begun. I think of the twinge of grey in a predawn sky, which brightens with the rising sun. The smallest ray of God’s loving, healing light can illuminate the darkness in a human heart and grow ever brighter.

But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, That shines brighter and brighter until the full day (Proverbs 4:18 NASB).

When I think about the continual transformation of my own heart, which began over 40 years, I recognize God’s persistent work of enlightenment. There were times when the growing light was stalled because of my own unwillingness to surrender. But God is relentless in His desire for my freedom. He wants me free from needing smooth circumstances, success, the love of others and worldly security. He won’t give up until His light fills every crevice of my hearts. I’m complete in Christ and He wants me to fully know it.

Praying for Light  

But even as our hearts are being transformed, giants are still around. Do I allow them to steal my courage and zap my joy?  Or, do they become the impetuous to follow Jesus’ example of earnest prayer. If these giants are keeping me praying, then they must serve some purpose.

As Graham Cooke stated in his podcast Brilliant Perspectives,  “God has allowed in His wisdom, what He could have prevented in His power.”

But still. I don’t want these giants around. Like the orcs were over run by the light of Gandolf’s staff, I pray for their destruction. I pray for God’s light to reveal, to heal to penetrate the darkness with blinding power.

Praying Circles  

I’m learning not to hang my welfare on my own happiness. I’m learning to draw my contentment from what Christ has already done, my hope from His return and my joy from His presence. However, I still have a part to play in the here and now, especially in respect to these giants.

I was recently introduced to the concept of praying circles from a book entitled The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. What I like about circular praying is the visual of continual prayer and of targeting ; kind of like a bull’s eye.

Behind our barn, next to the chicken coop, is an old white cabinet with a door. It was in my grandfather’s garage when I was growing up. Today, I wrote down eighteen giants and drew circles around each one. I’ll see them every day and plan on praying for God’s light until the darkness fades in each one. When and if a giant is destroyed, I’ll paint over it. As long as giants remain, I’ll keep praying.

Challenge  

Write down the giants in your land – those troubles you may have lost hope will ever leave.

Ask yourself a really hard question. If that giant doesn’t leave, will I be okay? You may need to do some heart work and offer up an idol. (Anything besides God you must have to be okay) This is really hard work.

Next. Circle it up. Determine to earnestly pray for God’s light to penetrate the darkness.

Finally. In reflection, think about a giant which has left your land. Do you wish it had never come?

Novels by the Author:

Beyond Time

Hope Remains