Dear reader, Some of you have asked where this Packages series is going. It's an allegory. There will be resolution and interpretation.
As I found myself resting on the packages the next morning, I wondered again if I was experiencing a long dream. If so, I hoped it would end soon. I had so many questions.
How did my time resting on these packages each morning seem to fuel my interaction with people that day.? How could cardboard boxes cause me to be filled with a quality of love which seemed out of this world? It had to be Him and not the packages.
Though I saw packages addressed to each person, I never remembered physically handing them to anyone. Was delivery really about the interaction and not the actual packages?
I did get my job back, but with conditions. I was put on probation and warned not to “push” my faith on anyone. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I didn’t trust Mike enough to ask him.
I determined to still offer to pray with folks as the opportunity arose. And if asked, I would explain the reason for my hope to anyone. Resting on the packages, I felt certain of this. I hoped I’d stand firm when opportunities for boldness arose.
I didn’t want to regret not allowing the light of Jesus to shine through me.
Then He spoke. This time, my anger at Fred’s cancer was not within me. Being with Sammy and Alton had given me a new perspective.
Reading my thoughts, He said, “You are learning my son. Like Sammy, like Fred, God sized problems are meant to prove you can’t. And when you see that, you learn that I can.
“What did Paul write in II Corinthians 1:8-9?”
I picked up the Bible resting on the box in front of me and read, “For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; 9 indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead;”
“What was Paul going through?” He asked.
“So many difficulties that he despaired of his life. I guess he’d come to the end of his strength.”
“Exactly, you’ve read in other places what he endured. [1] So you have an idea of what it might have been. What was his conclusion?”
“He realized since the situation was beyond his abilities to endure, trusting in himself was no longer an option. He had to learn to trust in You.”
“That’s right,” He said. “Can you relate?”
I could. Several situations came to mind, including our difficulties with our oldest child. I remember thinking once, when that and other problems seemed to multiple, that if I knew where to go to give up, I would. I wasn’t suicidal, but like Paul, I’d come to the end of me.
Again, reading my thoughts, He said, “You made a wise choice back then. You could have wasted the pain by trying to numb it, but you brought it all to Me.”
It was Friday. The end of a very weird week. I was hoping Mike had assigned someone to handle my duties. Otherwise, it was going to be a long weekend. I imagined Kevin would have been given some of my tasks, but he had his own work to do.
Kevin looked up from his cubicle when I arrived and followed me into my office.
I heard, “Be courageous.”
After discussing the current work load, Kevin said, “I’ve been thinking about what you said on Monday. I really appreciated you trusting me enough to tell me about the times of despair you’ve experienced. You alluded to a deep hope which lifted you from your discouragement. As I’ve told you before, I’m not a religious person, but I respect your opinion and would love to hear more. The situation with Clarissa has me pretty down.”
I had no idea I’d be tested about being bold with my faith so quickly. I told him I’d love to tell him what happened and the reason for my hope. We agreed to have lunch on Monday.
When Kevin walked out of my office, Mike came in. I wondered if he’d been outside listening. I heard, “Keep your peace.”
Mike said nothing about my being with Kevin. He seemed to be only interested in work. We’d gotten a new client, so work had gotten dangerously backlogged. He was getting pressure from the top to get caught up or risk breaking contracted deliverables with our customers. He told me he expected us to be caught up by Monday morning. When he said “us” I grumbled in my spirit about what part of “us” he was doing.
When Mike left, I could feel my stomach begin to twist.
During the next couple of hours, I was able to get a handle on how much work had to be done. It was massive. I could see myself missing my Friday date night with Jill and Alice’s surprise party on Saturday. I’d invited Fred and his wife to church with us, seems I’d miss that too.
I heard a knock. It was Kevin. I glanced at my watch and was astonished it was already time for break. I’d always told Kevin it was important to take breaks, but this time I wanted to renege.
In the canteen, I explained my conversation with Mike to Kevin. He already knew some of it. “Mike came to me on Wednesday and tried to hand off a ton of work to me. I think they hoped I’d be able to pick right up and handle it,” Kevin began. “I got started but have questions and needed your help. So, I reported that back to Mike. In the meantime, I’ve been playing around with a Visual Basic script we could possibly use to scrape the data from the mainframe and then kick off our processes. I’ve had some success, but need some procedural direction.”
After hearing Mike’s interaction with Kevin, I felt more like I was being used. I certainly didn’t feel like anyone in management really cared. Were they allowing me to work just to solve the present crisis? I felt insecure.
For the rest of the day I feed Kevin information to further fine tune his script. By days end, we had it working on a small sample. However, when we tried it on a batch of larger data, we kept getting region abends. Even after we maxed out the value, there was no success. I was getting a sinking feeling.
When I noticed it was approaching 6pm, and said, “Let me call Jill and cancel our date.”
Kevin stopped me. He had some ideas he wanted to try. He couldn’t get over the fact that we still dated after over forty years of marriage and he didn’t want us to miss it. We agree to reconvene in the morning.
When I pulled into our driveway to pick Jill up, I heard. “Cast your cares on Me.” They were fine words, but my heart couldn’t receive them.
Jill and I had a nice Italian dinner at one of our favorite spots. Then we walked across the dam at sunset, one of our favorite things to do. I tried to stay present, but she could tell I was preoccupied. I resisted the temptation to check on how Kevin was doing, but my lack of truly being “with” Jill hurt her. This resurfaced some unresolved bitterness toward me.
Then, her disappointment in me stirred up a deep failure place in my soul and I became defensive. Not a good posture for a loving date.
To top it off, I got a late text from Kevin saying he was going home with little success. He suspected a memory leak, but he needed some time away to ponder a solution.
Without Kevin’s script, I could work the next 48 hours and come well short of what Mike and his directors were expecting.
Jill and I went to bed back to back and unresolved. The knots in my stomach were only growing tighter as I tried to sleep.
To Be Continued
[1] II Corinthians 11:23-33
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