Dear reader, Packages is an allegory. There will be roughly a dozen parts before Bobby wakes up from a very long, lifelike dream. He'll then seek an interpretation.
I found myself on the packages again on Saturday, with no body of water in sight. I sat deep in a valley, surrounded by towering piles of boxes. The rising sun remained hidden from view; its presence only hinted at by the pastel hues of dawn. The location matched my mood.
The sobering events of the previous day made me cringe as they seeped into my groggy consciousness. As troubling as the work situation was, I was more concerned about not being reconciled with Jill. Over the years, we’d learned to navigate through difficulties, particularly when one could sense the other’s reaction stemmed from unresolved past hurts. Together, with faith in God, we’d learned to reveal and dismantle the longstanding falsehoods that had troubled our lives. It was rare for us to sleep without settling our differences and kissing. The previous night was particularly challenging because we both reacted from deep-seated pain and failed to extend grace before the day’s end. I knew it was my responsibility to lead in that regard, but I hadn’t.
I recalled His words that the packages were brimming with kindness, grace, and love—qualities I desperately needed to embrace the day ahead. Accepting His grace proved particularly challenging. Especially in light of how I’d failed to lead Jill and, with my growing unforgiveness and bitterness with Mike.
Even so, I was certain nothing could separate me from God’s love, not even my own shame.
I contemplated the Hebrew word “Hesed,” which translates to lovingkindness.
And Psalm 23 verse 6: Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
I recalled that this word embodies a divine love which transcends human understanding; like how God pursues us, in spite of our disobedience. Like how Hosea pursued Gomer, his harlot wife. [1]
Immersed in a deep awareness of His lovingkindness, my heart grew tender. I longed to embrace Jill and admit my mistake. We never do well when we’re not right with each other.
“There’s something else in these boxes,” He said, again catching me off guard. “You’re absorbing more than just kindness, grace and love.”
“Read II Corinthians 5:21.”
I picked up the Bible resting on the box in front of me and read, He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
“Can you guess what else you’ve been soaking in?” He asked.
“The righteousness of Christ Jesus?”
“Very good. Can that righteousness be diminished by anything you do or don’t do?”
I paused a moment before answering. A new understanding was budding in my heart. “No. Since You chose me, by Your mercy, to be Your son before I was even born, nothing I do or don’t do can affect it. Right?”
“That’s right,” He said. “My children know this, but our enemy is relentless in seeking to hide My grace and love. His efforts are multiplied as his end draws near. Bobby, sometimes you still soak in his lies and not My truth”
“What did Paul say about righteousness in Ephesians 6?”
“He told us to put on the breastplate of righteousness, as we gird our loins with truth and take up the shield of faith.” I felt faith rising and continued. “This allows us to extinguish all the flaming missiles of the evil one. All of them!”
“Never drop your shield of faith. Believe you have My righteousness. No matter what happens, stay the course.”
Having rekindled my faith, He left me to my reflections. The shame I felt now appeared absurd. I knew my life was meant to be rooted in His righteousness, not my own. I realized that whenever I lost focus on this truth, I was on shacky ground and very vulnerable.
Unbeknownst to me, I was no longer in a valley; the mound of packages I rested on had ascended beyond the horizon. I was now in full view of a crystal blue sea, which reflected the magnificence of the eternal dawn.
Jill and I were able to have a cup of coffee together before I went to the office. I apologized for acting out of my fear of failure and need to succeed. I also told her I was sorry for not initiating forgiveness the night before.
“I forgive you on both counts,” she said, as we hugged. “I’m not sure I was ready to be resolved last night anyway. I was stewing in my own feelings of rejection. But I recognized this morning that these lies are ancient. I’m sorry too. God has used you to help me see the lies from the past I still tend to live in.”
“I’m glad,” I said. “Us honoring our covenant of marriage before God has been what’s held us together and allowed our love to grow. We’ve had some very hard stretches.”
She agreed.
As I entered the office, I heard, “Ask Me.”
I found Kevin at his desk, his head in his hands, same shirt on from the day before. “The batches of data are two large,” he said in a defeated tone when he noticed me. “I tried dividing them into smaller datasets, but they lose the associated header, footer and provider tags. I’m out of ideas.”
I’d never seen Kevin in such a state. His perseverance and determination were remarkable, but he was clearly at the end of his rope.
Remembering His message, I asked Him for guidance. Then I ran through different possibilities in my mind.
“I have an idea,” I said after a few minutes. “I think I can use Easytrieve, a mainframe programming tool, to generate smaller datasets while preserving the tags. This would mean we’d be handling smaller batches during the data transfer and the script processing.”
Kevin thought it was a good idea and assisted me in mapping the fields. In forty-five minutes, we’d successfully written a quick program and validated the theory with a batch of data which had previously abended.
“Eureka!” Kevin exclaimed. We did a computer nerd version of a high five.
We kicked off a batch of scripts, which we hoped would process all the data by early Sunday afternoon. He showed me how to check for problems in his script and how to monitor the progress remotely.
I sent him home to rest and made sure the first few batches were successful.
When I got home, Jill was wrapping Alice’s surprise birthday gift.
The plan was for us to distract Alice in the backyard while friends and family streamed into her house to surprise her.
“I can hide her present in the bottom of my purse,” Jill exclaimed.
“I knew that giant bag would come in handy for something,” I joked, earning me a playful elbow to the ribs.
I was so excited about our gift to Alice. Knowing his days on earth were winding down, her husband, Ray, had asked me to video a message to his family. Jill and I downloaded it to an electronic picture frame, which was our present to Alice and their kids.
Right before we knocked on the back door, my phone vibrated with a text. Jill heard it too and looked at me with disappointment.
“Is it work?” she exclaimed bitterly.
The extensive time and mental energy I devoted to work-related activities over the years had become a longstanding source of pain and feelings of neglect for Jill. I endeavored to understand my wife better, continually learning more about her. I was beginning to realize that some of her reactions stemmed from deep-seated pain, some of which originated in her childhood and was triggered by something I did, said, or failed to do. While I acknowledge that I have also caused her pain, I was learning not to take it personally all the time. This approach helped me to remain non-defensive, at least some of the time. Which is hard for a guy like me who thrives to succeed and please people.
“No, it’s Sammy,” I replied, also happy it wasn’t work related. “He’s asking if he and his family can join us at our church tomorrow.”
“Wow! That would be great,” Jill exclaimed. “Alton as well?”
“I’m not sure,” I replied, as I knocked on Alice’s back door. I heard, “Be bold.“
To Be Continued
[1] The book of Hosea
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