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When We Don’t Feel Loveable

You’ve heard about the guy who had it all: riches, fame, prestige, complete, earthy autonomy. He had everything going for him, but made some really bad choices and crashed and burned. It’s hard to imagine how anyone can get on the other side of adultery, murder, and the hostile rebellion of a son. He certainly reaped what he sowed, but we can learn from him on steps we can take to salvage our hearts on the other side of sin.

His troubles began one evening, when he really should have been working. In his leisure, a beautiful lady caught his eye.  He did more than just take a second look. When the smoke cleared, her husband was dead and she was pregnant. 

You’ve probably figured out by now, I’m speaking of King David, the man who wrote a majority of the Psalms.  It would be written of David that, in spite of his poor choices, he was a man after God’s own heart. [1]

How can this be? How did his heart recover from such devastation? How do we recover when we sin? What do we do when we don’t even want to approach God because of the shame we feel? What do we do when we don’t feel loveable?

Steps to Recovery

Into the Light

David didn’t voluntarily bring his sin with Bathsheba into the light. Nathan, the prophet of God, called him on it by using a story of a lamb, recorded in II Samuel chapter 12.

David’s anger burned against the wealthy man in the story for taking the poor man’s lamb.

He said to Nathan,  “As the Lord lives, the man who has done this certainly deserves to die!  So he must make restitution for the lamb four times over, since he did this thing and had no compassion.” (verse 6)

Then, in an instance, David’s sin was brought to light when Nathan said to him,  “You yourself are the man! (verse 7)

Nathan went on to say,  Now then, the sword shall never leave your house, because you have despised Me and have taken the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your wife.’ This is what the Lord says: ‘Behold, I am going to raise up evil against you from your own household; I will even take your wives before your eyes and give them to your companion, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. Indeed, you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel, and in open daylight.’” (verses 10-12)

Not good outcomes for David when his sin was brought to light, but keeping things hidden is also very damaging. As hard as it is to bring the shame of our sin into the light, it must happen, and the sooner the better. 

Hidden secrets, not only stifle us spiritually, but they can affect us in other ways.  “The emotional, mental, physical and spiritual impact of secrets are well documented. In fact, research suggests keeping secrets can significantly boost stress hormones, impact blood pressure, inhibit sleep, contribute to mental health and substance use disorders and even increase chronic pain.” [2]

Confession

Big or small, God wants us free from the weight and shackles of unconfessed sin.

I believe one of the reasons David is called a man after God’s own heart is his quick, humble response.

Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” (verse 13a)

And Nathan said to David, “The Lord also has allowed your sin to pass; you shall not die.  However, since by this deed you have shown utter disrespect for the Lord, the child himself who is born to you shall certainly die.” (verses 13b – 14).

As mentioned before, what David did had consequences which would follow him the rest of his life. But, in spite of this, David pressed into God not away from him.

God’s ultimate goal is for us to be like Jesus. [3] He wants us to experience the freedom and joy of casting down idols and digging deeply into God and His ways.

Pressing Deeply into God

What we see in David’s heart is an eager desire to draw closer to God. Rather than wallowing in shame, which would keep him from God, he asked for deeper cleansing and for the joy and gladness of being with Him.

Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
Cleanse me, and I will be whiter than snow.                                                         Let me hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones You have broken rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins
And wipe out all my guilty deeds (Psalms 51:7-9).  

 From what David wrote, we see he valued fellowship with God over walking in deceit. So much so, that he invited God to do further work in his heart so that deeper intimacy could occur.

Create in me a clean heart, God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me (Psalms 51:10).

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, God, You will not despise (Psalms 51:17).

It seems that because the sins were revealed and forgiveness was granted, David’s desire for God intensified. 

Potentially, as Jesus pointed out to Simon the Pharisee concerning the sinful woman who washed his feet, our sin can deepen our love for the Lord.

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little (Luke 7:47 ESV).

But we must accept His grace, point our lives in a different direction, and depend upon His Spirit within us to live lives reflecting Jesus’ life. In other words, we need to follow Him.

Turning Evil on It’s Head

Joseph, as he was speaking to his brothers concerning what they had done to him, saw evil from a much broader, eternal perspective.

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive (Genesis 50:20).

God uses our confession and repentance from sin to bring us His joy and freedom. This has always been the case in my life, as I follow David’s example of asking for a pure and contrite heart. As God shows me my sin, and I follow David’s example of dealing with it, I see God’s hand at work in it all, in spite of my sin. God’s grace and forgiveness leads me into a deeper love of Him.

Why would we ever want to hold onto that which causes us such inner turmoil instead of the joys of walking closely with God who created us?

Though we will still struggle, as we follow David’s example in our lives, we can experience God’s love no matter what we’ve done.

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;  My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water.  Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, To see Your power and Your glory.  Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise You  (Psalms 63:1-3).

Prayer

Lord, in Christ, I’m holy, blameless and beyond reproach. When I see this, and believe it by faith, I begin to feel Your lovingkindness, even in my failures and sin.

I rest in Your love right now and I desire to walk in it throughout the day. Even when I go through hard times, Your love shines brighter and brighter. You are faithful. You are good. You are kind.

Please continue to reveal sin in my life and give me the courage and strength to follow hard after You no matter what.

Amen

Instead of your shame you will have a double portion,
And instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion.
Therefore they will possess a double portion in their land,
Everlasting joy will be theirs (Isaiah 61:7 NASB).

[1] I Samuel 13:14, Acts 13:22

[2] Secrets Can Make you Sick  Maggie Tipton, Psy.D

[3] Romans 8:28-29

Unless otherwise noted, verses are from the NASB version of the Bible.

Other Posts on God’s Grace and Forgiveness:

Joy in spite of Failure

Life After Addiction

Communing with God Because of the Precious Blood of Christ

Shalom – It Is Finished

Freedom From Guilt – The Exchanged Life

Lavishing Grace

Rivers of Living Water or Dying of Thirst

Withholding Nothing – Daily Surrender

Not My Will – Free Indeed

Weakness Which Drives us to God

Joy in the Journey is about the gladness of God’s nearness in the midst of life’s adventures.

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 Novels by the Author:

Rob Buck

What happens when a professor figures out how to send messages to his younger self to try and avoid the suicide of his best friend? Did he change more than he bargained for?  Beyond Time

By finding two undelivered letters in a old shack deep in the woods, Cassie and Daniel unknowing set off a series of events which uncover a plot to wipe out a whole family Hope Remains

 

Thanksgiving Never Ends.

When I see this picture of an elderly hand grasping a tiny apple, it brings emotion. I’m not sure what the feelings are, but I think it’s a mixture of sadness and humble gratitude.

I don’t know the story behind the picture, but I do know three billion people in the world make less than two dollars a day. To that portion of the world, this small apple would be precious, and the people would be thankful.

Am I thankful for a small apple? Sadly, much larger apples have spoiled in our fruit bowl and become chicken food. Compared to the poorest people, I live in a country with a medium income of over 50k. I’ve never wondered if I’d have food for the next meal. Has this deadened my heart to being appreciate for what God provides?

I don’t want to take for granted God’s blessings, but I have.

Lord, develop in me a continual heart of gratitude which extends beyond a single day of thanking.  

Gifts Point to the Giver

Moments after I pray about having a more grateful heart, my wife enters the room, fresh from her time of solitude.

“I was just reminded of the doxology,” she says. “Praise God from whom all blessings flow.”

God had been showing her how easy it is to focus on the gifts and forget the Giver.

Every gift, from small apples, to turkey feasts, to breath for another day comes from God the creator of all things.

I take what she says as an answer to my prayer for God to develop in me a continual heart of gratitude.

When I notice any gift, from food, to provision, to creation, to relationships, to …,  may the gift send me directly into thankful praise to my King.

 I thank my God in all my remembrance of you .. (Philippians 1:3 NASB).

And When people give me praise or compliments may I also see these as reasons to thank and praise God.

When people come up and give me a compliment… I take each remark as if it were a flower. At the end of the day I lift up the bouquet of flowers I have gathered throughout the day and say, ‘Here you are, Lord, it is all Yours.’” Corrie Ten Boom

Being Thankful for Eternal Blessings

Something else which comes to mind is how many things God has done for me in eternity which will never change.

As I focus on these eternal blessings, life’s gifts become cherries on top of a continual thanksgiving feast.

The Bible is full of reasons to be thankful, but here’s a summary of the unchanging truths in Ephesians 1:3-14:

I have every spiritual blessing available to me in Jesus.

God loves me and chose me to be in Christ before the world began.

In Jesus Christ, I’m holy and totally blameless.

It’s God’s pleasure to adopt me as His child through Jesus.

God did these things for me so that His glory, His infinite greatness and His worth, would be demonstrated in kindness and mercy toward me.

I’ve been redeemed, rescued from God’s wrath because of Jesus’ life blood shed on my behalf.

 God lavished His grace and mercy upon me, forgiving my every sin.

God has made known to me His intensions to summarize all things into Christ Jesus, my Lord.

I have a secure inheritance because God’s purposes are never thwarted.

God has sealed me with the Holy Spirit as a promise and pledge of my inheritance.

I belong to God and my life is to be a testimony to the praise of His glory and grace.

These, and many more truths, give me reasons for unending thanksgiving.

May Thanksgiving day launch a mindset of thankfulness in me which will never change.

Prayer

Lord, what a gift today has been. You’re giving me a thankful heart. You showed how even the smallest apple is a gift from Your hand, never to be taken for granted. You are the source of every blessings. Please help me to be continually thankful for You and not just the gifts You give me.

There are so many blessings You’ve given me which will never change. Please develop in me a continual thankful heart for what You’ve bestowed upon me in Christ.

I’m so sorry for the apples I’ve allowed to spoil because I didn’t treasure them. Tender my heart so that I will never take anything for granted again. They all come from Your hand.

Amen.

For Further Reading 

The Connection Between Gratitude and Joy

Enjoying Unhindered Intimacy with God

Communing With God

Completely Loved

Why is Knowing God’s love Essential?

The Connection between Love and Joy

What Threatens us knowing God’s Love?

Experiencing the Freedom of God’s Love

God’s Love in a Broken World

Being Loved by God is our True Identity

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Joy in the Journey is about the gladness of God’s nearness in the midst of life’s adventures.

 Novels by the Author:

What happens when a professor figures out how to send messages to his younger self to try and avoid the suicide of his best friend? Did he change more than he bargained for?  Beyond Time

By finding two undelivered letters in a old shack deep in the woods, Cassie and Daniel unknowing set off a series of events which uncover a plot to wipe out a whole family Hope Remains

When I Don’t Feel God’s Lovingkindness

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;  My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water.  Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, To see Your power and Your glory.  Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise You.  Psalm 63:1-3

As the sun warms my face, on a brisk, fall morning in the mountains of North Carolina, I read about God’s lovingkindness toward us.

David was in the wilderness when he penned the Psalm 63 and he compared his longing soul to dry, cracked soil. He was in desperate need of God’s presence, His Rivers of Living Water. (John 7:37-38)

I can relate to David’s desperate longings for God, but what catches my attention is the phrase “lovingkindness.”  David says it’s better than life itself.

Lovingkindness. What does it really mean? I’ve heard it said that if love is compared to a piece of freshly baked bread, slathered with butter. Lovingkindness is like adding strawberry preserves to what’s already succulently delicious.

The Hebrew word used here means goodness, faithfulness and kindness.

Jesus tells us God’s love for us is as great as the Father’s love for Him. (John 15:9) Paul uses words about God’s love for us which conger images of an ocean of love, beyond our understanding. (Ephesians 3:16-21)

When life is good, I can recognize God’s lovingkindness. However, in hard times, I don’t always feel loved, mostly because I don’t feel lovable.

Two situations come to mind.

  • when I fail
  • when I’m hurt.
When I Fail

I hate failing. I’ve had failures as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a brother, as an employee and an employer, as a friend, etc. Failure can cause me to feel unlovable. How can I be loved when I’ve performed so poorly?

As I write, the Holy Spirit reminds me:

I’ve been united with Christ in his death and resurrection. (Romans 6) I’ve been raised with Christ and seated with him in heavenly places. (Ephesians 2:6) In spite of my failures, I’m perfectly loved because my life is hidden with Christ (Colossians 3:3-4) Even though, in this temporal realm, I’m far from perfect, God loves me as much as He loves Jesus (John 15:9).

And although you were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach. Colossians 1:21-22

In Christ, I’m holy, blameless and beyond reproach. When I see this, and believe it by faith, I begin to feel God’s lovingkindness, even in my failures. There are truths about me in Christ which can’t change because they are eternal.

When I’m Hurt

Another time I have a hard time embracing God’s lovingkindness for me is when I’ve been hurt. Being hurt can cause deep emotional pain, making me feel rejected and unlovable, even by God.

When I invite God into my pain, I do sense His presence and comfort.  I’m learning not to rely on the love of others for my value.

What helps is to realize the surpassing greatness of God’s love compared to even our dearest earthly relationships.  All human relationships must be secondary to our relationship with God. In fact, in Luke 14:26 Jesus says, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.”

Compared to God’s great love, human love is like hate. God’s lovingkindness far exceeds all human affection. When I get a grasp of the expanse of His surpassing love for me, I’m filled with Joy, even in the most difficult human hurts.

More and more I seek love only from Him. This frees me up to love others for their sake, not for what I can get out of the relationship.

Better Than Life

God’s love overshadows everything about us. And when life is hardest, His lovingkindness shines even brighter. As a diamond sparkles against a dark background, God’s love is more brilliant in our darkest days.

Prayer: Lord, I rest in your love right now. I desire to walk in your love throughout the day. Even when I go through hard times, your love shines brighter and brighter. You are faithful. You are good. You are kind.

You love me.

Your lovingkindness is everlasting. (Psalm 136)

Your lovingkindness is better than life.

Please keep me aware of you and your love moment by moment.

Amen